The year 2018 was the worst year of my life. I found myself losing my husband.
My husband had been diagnosed with cancer a year and a half before that, but between him and the oncologist, he was determined to beat it.
For most of that time, he was doing well, but then in January 2018, he was hit with a very virulent form of pneumonia.
He was in intensive care for 3 weeks but survived, and in his typical style, he figured he had conquered death again and would be fine.
He even went back to work.
But not long after that, it became obvious that he was getting worse. The Oncologist kept looking for new treatments and Geoff kept doing all he could, but he became weaker and weaker.
By mid-year, he could no longer drive and was struggling to walk. I had been adamant that I wanted to keep up my work as a coach and personal trainer, but I found that I couldn’t hold space for others when life was so hard at home.
One morning, I woke up and realised that I could not go and teach a class.
The next few months were hard and that is an understatement. Repeated stays in the hospital where there was very little they could do for him.
He was trying to keep doing things but sleeping more and more.
I was trying to keep a home life happening for our youngest daughter, who was trying to do year 12 at high school, and our second youngest who was in Melbourne studying and worrying if she needed to come home.
And the older children struggling with new babies and work and feeling guilty that they were not helping more.
And then the last week!!!
It was awful, losing my husband was heartbreaking
It was awful and I had to decide to move him to hospice which he was not happy about. He died peacefully with a number of us around.
The two younger children were not there, although the one in Melbourne had flown up just five days earlier when he could still speak, so that was good. She arrived the next morning.
Her little sister had picked her up from the airport and they came into the house happy and chatting and it was so hard to tell them. And then after a morning of sobbing, they dressed themselves up to go to the school formal and year 12 graduation.
I still feel sorry for my baby that it was the same day.
We managed to plan a funeral
We managed to plan a funeral and attend the end-of-year functions all in the same week. So bittersweet.
And then life returns to normal for everyone else. The visitors leave, the kids go back to work, and the sun keeps shining. Birthdays and Christmas come and go.
A few months later my youngest has gone on to study music. I was dealing with a mountain of paperwork – no one tells you of the amount of paperwork there is!!! Ours was extra complicated because he had not accepted that he was dying, so he had not prepared anything. At least we had redone our wills.
Six months later I went on holidays with friends. It was lovely of them to want to help me get out, but I think it was too early.
I really struggled, but it was a bit of a turning point. It was time I started getting out more. I even came back from that trip and planned another one.
And just as I was starting to feel that I could plan a future, COVID came along, and all plans and activities stopped.
Then Covid hit
Brisbane did not have too hard a time through COVID, but two of my daughters lived in Melbourne the younger one studying at Uni, breaking up with her boyfriend and having no place to live, and struggling.
The older one with three young children. And here I was with a teenager who had just started Uni and still trying to find her way and we were stuck in the house together, still working through our grief and no place to go.
This was when a friend of mine suggested I buy a motorhome. (That was the story of last week’s blog if you want to read more here)
Getting away, doing things just for me, relaxing and being adventurous at the same time. This was a very valuable healing time for me, although I did not realise it at the time.
I tried getting back into my old life
I made a number of attempts to get back to work, but my heart was never in it. Looking back now I can see that I was just trying to fit back into my old life and have things get back to ‘normal.’
But the death of a partner means that that life has gone. I use the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle that is ¾ finished and someone comes along and throws it all in the air.
Some pieces get lost, and you do not have the picture to put it back together. As you try it becomes a different picture.
That is the key to life after loss. It is a different picture. Life is not the same.
Poem by Haruki Murakami
And once the storm is over
you won’t remember
how you made it through,
how you managed to survive.
You won’t even be sure, in fact,
whether the storm is really over.
But one thing is certain.
When you come out of the storm,
you won’t be the same person
who walked in
That’s what the storm is all about.
It has been a journey for me to find my new life, after losing my husband
It is a lonely journey, even though I have friends, family, and professional help. No one really understands unless they have lost a partner.
I went to counselling and that helped in the early days. I worked with my EFT practitioner, and we dealt with the feeling of anger at being left. And I did a lot of different courses – because I like to learn.
The grief of of losing my husband took longer than I had hoped
It was not an overnight change like I had hoped, but the change did happen.
I stopped feeling guilty when I felt happy. I started making decisions that were right for me, even though they would not have been the decisions we would have made together.
I discovered who I wanted to be in this new stage of my life and what my life purpose is.
I have made a life that makes me happy.
I have travelled on my own and with friends. I have moved into a new home that I love and suits me perfectly, and I bought new furniture to suit.
I have a life that I love, full of friends and activities.
I have lost the weight that I put on during those grieving years and I am feeling so much more energy now. I sleep well and wake up refreshed and ready for each new day. I have a rich and fulfilling life.
Because I know what is possible, I want to help you find this joy too. I am here to help guide you to your new life. To help you answer the question – “What now?” “Who am I now?” “What is my life purpose now?”
Would you like to feel like this too?
Would you like to talk with someone who gets what you are feeling, who has been there and now has an amazing life?
Book here to have a free chat about what are the right next steps for you.
Love Kay