Supporting Someone Through Grief: What Not to Say (and What to Do Instead)
When someone we care about is grieving, it’s only natural to want to help. But grief is a strange, deeply personal journey—and even the most well-intentioned words or actions can sometimes make things harder rather than better. If you’re wondering how to support a friend or loved one who is grieving, here are a few key do’s and don’ts that can make a real difference.
1. Don’t Try to “Fix” It
What not to say:
“At least he’s in a better place.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You’ll feel better soon.”
“God needed another angel.”
“It’s time to move on.”
Why it doesn’t help:
Grief isn’t something that can be fixed or smoothed over. These types of statements, although meant to comfort, often minimize the person’s pain or imply they should be “over it” by now. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Trying to rush that process or put a positive spin on it can make them feel unseen or dismissed.
What to do instead:
Just be present. A simple “I’m so sorry. I don’t have the right words, but I’m here” goes a long way. Let them talk if they want to—or just sit in silence with them if they don’t. Your presence and willingness to be with them in it is more comforting than any perfectly crafted sentence.
2. Don’t Make It About You
What not to say:
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“When my [dog, cousin, friend] died, I…”
Why it doesn’t help:
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, your experience is not the same. Grief is incredibly personal. When you jump in with your own story, you might unintentionally shift the focus away from the grieving person and make them feel like they need to comfort you.
What to do instead:
If you truly believe your experience might help, ask first. Say something like, “I’ve been through something similar—would it help to hear what helped me, or would you prefer I just listen right now?” Often, just listening and validating their experience is what they need most.
3. Don’t Avoid Them
What not to do:
Avoid eye contact at the shops.
Cross the street when you see them coming.
Say nothing at all.
Why it doesn’t help:
Grief can be incredibly isolating. Many grieving people report that the silence from friends hurts even more than the loss. It makes them feel like their loved one is forgotten—or worse, like their pain is a burden.
What to do instead:
Reach out. Send a text. Drop off a meal. Invite them for a walk. Even if they decline, they’ll know they’re not alone. Say something simple like, “I’ve been thinking of you,” or “I don’t know what to say, but I care.” Don’t disappear just because you don’t know the perfect thing to say. There isn’t one.
4. Don’t Set Expectations
What not to say or do:
“You should come out with us—it’ll cheer you up.”
“You need to keep busy.”
“You’re so strong!”
Why it doesn’t help:
Sometimes, the pressure to be okay or “bounce back” makes the grieving person feel like they have to put on a brave face. Encouraging them to push down their emotions or distract themselves doesn’t allow them to truly process what they’re going through.
What to do instead:
Let them be where they are. Some days they may want company. Other days they won’t. Be flexible. Say, “I’m here when you’re ready,” and mean it. If they cry or cancel plans, don’t take it personally. You’re showing up without strings, and that matters more than you know.
5. Don’t Disappear After the Funeral
What not to do:
Go quiet after the first few weeks.
Assume they’re “doing better” because they’ve gone back to work or started smiling again.
Why it doesn’t help:
Grief doesn’t end with the funeral. In fact, the reality of the loss often hits harder once the initial support fades away. That’s when people can feel forgotten or left behind.
What to do instead:
Keep checking in. Set a reminder in your phone to send a message or call once a week or month. Acknowledge anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays that might be hard. Just remembering and reaching out can mean the world.
Final Thoughts: Love Over Perfection
You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to show up. You can’t take their pain away, but you can be a steady, loving presence in a time that feels dark and uncertain.
Sometimes, the most helpful words are:
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m thinking of you today.”
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
And sometimes, no words are needed at all. Just a hug, a kind look, or a casserole left on the porch says, “You’re not alone.”
Grief isn’t something to be solved. But it is something that can be carried more gently with the help of others. Be that help. Your kindness may not change what happened, but it will change how someone survives it.