Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m just not good enough,” “I’ll never be able to do that,” or “This is who I am; I can’t change”? If so, you’re not alone.
These thoughts are more than passing comments; they’re often rooted in deeply ingrained assumptions about ourselves.
These thoughts are those pesky, unhelpful narratives we’ve internalised over the years.
They’re born out of experiences, upbringing, societal expectations, and sometimes even a single offhand remark someone made years ago.
Unfortunately, they shape the way we see ourselves and how we talk to ourselves—and that inner dialogue can either help us thrive or keep us stuck in self-doubt and fear.
The Origins of Negative Patterns
No one is born believing they’re unworthy, incapable, or destined to fail. Babies know they are wonderful and lovable and completely capable. These thought patterns are learned over time and unfortunately, take over from the innocent child.
- Childhood Messages: Growing up, many of us heard comments like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “You’re so sensitive.’ For me it was “you only got a B, what happened to the A”
Even well-meaning feedback can feel like criticism to a young mind, creating a sense that we’re not enough just as we are.
- Cultural Conditioning: Society often tells us who we should be. Women over 50, for example, are sometimes made to feel invisible or irrelevant. These subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages can seep into our psyche, shaping what we think we’re capable of. (Have you seen the new TV Show ‘Matlock’ it plays on this belief that older women are invisible.)
- Past Failures: We’ve all had moments when things didn’t go as planned. Unfortunately, instead of seeing these as learning opportunities, we might internalise them as evidence of our inadequacy. See I knew I was hopeless.
- Comparison Culture: Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy. When we’re constantly bombarded with other people’s highlight reels, it’s easy to believe we’re falling short.This is becoming a real problem for the twenty and thirty years old. I was shocked when even my 40-year-old daughter shared how bad she felt reading Facebook. It has become an epidemic.
These experiences create thoughts like “I’m too old to start something new,” “I’ll never be good with money,” “I’m not the kind of person who takes risks.” “I’m not as good as others, nothing I do works out”,
Once these ideas are formed, they become the lens through which we see ourselves—and they directly influence our self-talk.
The Role of Self-Talk in Reinforcing Negative Patterns
Self-talk is the ongoing internal dialogue we have with ourselves. When we hold onto unhelpful narratives, our self-talk tends to echo them. For example:
- Thought: “I’m not good enough.”
Self-talk: “I’ll never get this right. Why do I even bother?” - Thought: “I’m too old to make a change.”
Self-talk: “That ship has sailed. It’s too late for me.” - Thought: “I’ll never be financially secure.”
Self-talk: “I’m terrible with money. I’ll never figure it out.”
This kind of inner dialogue creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we tell ourselves we’re not capable, the less likely we are to take action.
And when we don’t take action, it reinforces the idea that we’re stuck. It’s a vicious cycle, but the good news is—we can break it.
Breaking the Cycle: Rewriting Your Inner Narrative
The first step to changing unhelpful narratives and self-talk is awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so start paying attention to the stories you’re telling yourself. Here’s how:
- Identify the Thought: When you notice negative self-talk, ask yourself:
- What assumption is driving this thought?
- Is this assumption true, or is it an idea I’ve accepted without question?
For example, if you’re thinking, “I’ll never be able to start my own business,” the underlying idea might be, “I’m not smart enough to succeed.”
- Challenge the Thought: Once you’ve identified an unhelpful narrative, challenge it. Ask yourself:
- Where did this idea come from?
- Is there evidence to support it?
- Is there evidence to disprove it?
Often, you’ll find that the idea isn’t based on fact but on a past experience or fear.
- Reframe Your Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with more empowering statements. For example:
- Instead of “I’ll never get this right,” try “I’m learning, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.”
- Instead of “It’s too late for me,” try “I have the experience and wisdom to make this happen now.”
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. If you catch yourself falling into negative self-talk, don’t beat yourself up about it. Acknowledge the thought and redirect it with compassion.
- Use Tools Like EFT: Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), or tapping, can help release the emotional charge around these limiting narratives. By tapping on specific acupressure points while addressing these ideas, you can reprogram your mind to adopt more positive and supportive thoughts.
It is very powerful if you have memories of specific comments made to you in childhood. Tap on these memories, all the things that were said, where you were and who was talking and the results. (sometimes you need another person to work with you through these memories, and the results can be very powerful change)
- Surround Yourself with Positivity: Spend time with people who uplift and encourage you. Read books, listen to podcasts, and engage in activities that inspire growth and self-discovery, exactly like our Retreat in Bali in June 2025.
Building a New Thought Pattern
Changing your self-talk is like planting a garden. It takes time, patience, and consistent daily effort. Here are a few practices to help nurture your new thought patterns:
- EFT: Before you plant wonderful new seedling in your garden, try and take as many of the weeds (poor thoughts) out of your garden.
- Gratitude Practice: Focus on what you’re grateful for. Gratitude shifts your perspective and helps you see the good in yourself and your life. I recommend writing down three things you are grateful for at the end of each day.
- Journaling: Write about your wins, no matter how small. Reflecting on your progress reinforces positive ideas.
You Are Not Your Negative Thoughts
Unhelpful narratives and negative self-talk can feel like unshakable truths, but they’re not. They’re stories—and stories can be rewritten. By becoming aware of your inner dialogue, challenging the ideas that no longer serve you, and nurturing new, empowering ones, you can transform the way you see yourself and your potential.
Remember, you are the author of your life. Isn’t it time to write a story that uplifts, empowers, and inspires? Start today—your future self will thank you.
Come on retreat and we will work through these ideas on the retreat and show you how to change your internal dialogue. We will be having sessions to work on exactly this and you will be surprised at how easy it is, and how much difference it makes.
To learn more about the retreat click here.
Kay x