I’m a good carer today


Saturday, 15th September 2018

Not good today. In fact, very ungood. He is having temperatures of 38.9C. I know that sounds like serious territory, but in this case, it is a symptom of cancer and we have been through this on and off all year, but it really sucks. It really knocks him around.

It also means that the cancer symptoms have broken through the medication he is currently taking, which makes me afraid that he is getting worse, and/or the medication is not working. Geoff being the optimist feels that it is just temporary and tomorrow he will wake up feeling like he did 2 weeks ago.

When the temperature gets this high he takes Panadol and that brings the temperature down, but also causes massive sweating and then cold. He has alternated between being uncomfortable or asleep all day. I have not felt that I was able to leave him and cancelled my plans for tomorrow too.

I have actually been a good carer today. This is not how I have behaved in the past, where I have felt resentful of him changing my day’s plans. I guess this change in me started last week when I realized that I had hit the proverbial brick wall. I really did not have it in me to keep working and looking after him and stressing about everything I am not getting done.

I have reduced my workload to nearly nothing and not feeling too bad about it. It all becomes too much. I guess that is something to learn – to know when I am feeling burnout coming and to stop before it happens. I recognized the symptoms last Sunday. The feeling of not wanting to do anything other than stay in bed and read in bed. I did sleep in a bit, but then went to church and taught my class. I came home and did relax for the rest of the day, but on Monday I actually felt worse. It felt like depression. Nothing seemed worth it, and I felt overwhelmingly tired. I knew that I needed to stop. It was a good decision. I am feeling in good shape to cope with today.